Dear readers,

Mobile phones are a potentially useful supplement to existing communication systems. Unfortunately, the Telecommunications Department of Earth Government has successfully saturated our culture with these devices to the point where most people "can't imagine" life without them. As a result, the full spectrum of scams now operate around this industry, ranging from schemes to make people feel more attached to their phones, to the opt-out, $5-a-day subscription services wrapped in promises of love, sex and annoying ringtones.

This is all exceedingly odd, since mobile phones have only gained popularity in the last decade. This means most users and zealots should be able to remember how to function without them. But now, thanks to Power Advertising, it all seems so hard to "go back", even if the old way of things was easier and more efficient. Dependence on mobile phones seems to be more a product of Earth Government's incredibly effective marketing (all conducted without the use of mobile phones) than anything else. EVERYONE has been duped, and it is causing all manner of stupidity.

Thanks to these devices, people commonly make the following assumptions:

• If you're running late (keeping somebody waiting), an SMS message 'resets the clock' and excuses the lateness. Similar logic applies to last-minute cancellation.

• Long voicemail messages (sometimes about being late) will be listened to by their recipient, even if it is at the recipient's own cost

• I can call whoever I want whenever I want

• If they reply to my message this means I can send them further messages and start an SMS conversation

and so on...basically there is enhanced rudeness, pestering and intrusion wherever the recipient is! In times not so long past, none of these assumptions would have held.

Keeping somebody waiting was considered rude, and by being late one would put their relationships at grave risk. Actually, it still is rude. The only difference now is that the late person can get uppity if you get shitty at them - because they warned you, after all. And most people are happy to be strung along in this manner. More infuriating rudeness is perpetrated by spamming businesses, and employers who really believe that you should be happy to talk to them at any time.

There is no need to further build the case against thoughtless mobile usage. Instead I will return to my first statement - that mobile phones are potentially useful - and attempt to define a code of conduct which will hopefully destroy the mobile conspiracy.

Contents 1 Code of conduct 1.1 Legitimate uses of mobile phones 1.2 Selected illegitimate uses 1.3 Strategies 1.3.1 Passive 1.3.2 Hostile 2 The potential effects 3 A CONTINUATION - by Anyone

Code of conduct

Legitimate uses of mobile phones

• Emergency contact (not "I am running late" etc)
• Locating people in a crowd
• Storing information
• Photography and filming
• Use as a torch in dark place

Selected illegitimate uses

• "Hey man, I'm running late!"
• Your boss calling in the middle of the night
• "Hey man, what's up?"
• Last minute cancellations
• <insert your favourite annoying and unnecessary things>

Strategies

Passive

• Plan ahead - ie work shit out thoroughly and make contingency plans
• Leave early enough to factor in things like heavy traffic and other lame excuses
• Apologise like hell if you leave somebody waiting

Hostile

• Don't answer it! No - don't! If they ring a third time, maybe, but if it turns out to not be an emergency then give them hell!
• Don't reply to SMS.
• Tell friends to call you at home unless it's an emergency (and if they do call you when it's not an emergency then just hang up)
• Refuse to give your mobile number to any more people/businesses. Deny even having one, if necessary.
• Define for yourself a maximum waiting time, after which you just leave. This time can be adjusted depending on how much you like the person.
• Don't accept lame excuses for lateness

The potential effects

• People might hate you
• People might actually stop pestering you all day
• People will stop making their laziness your problem
• You will stop making your laziness your friends' problem
• The people you know may adopt similar standards
• You will save money and be happier
• The eventual collapse of the mobile conspiracy

TO BE CONTINUED - by anyone

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A CONTINUATION - by Anyone

Mobile phones are a blight on the free individual. Like many technological advances, they were potentially incredibly useful. Imagine being able to call someone, no matter where they are! This would be fine if the volume of calls remained the same, but like all technological advances the benefits were quickly overcome by people rushing to use the new technology to its limit. As usual, the end result hasn't been convenience but instead horrible annoyance. Our phones are used to harry us from dawn to dusk, and quite frequently well before and after either of these times. Rather than using the devices to call at the same rate as they would from their landlines at home, people find the convenience of having a phone at hand too much to handle and they spend much of their lives on them. The sheer volume of incoming calls is horrible - it strips your days off you, it costs you money and it drives your blood pressure through the roof when you realise that you've left your phone at home some night and you come home to find that there are twenty messages for a total of three quarters of an hour's listening on your "message bank".

BAH!

And then there's the Bosses of this world - every single person who thinks they have one up on you, be they bosses, supervisors, prospective employers, their agents, Centrelink, co-workers, land agents and so on, have absolutely no qualms about calling you at the last possible second to order you around like they have a right. They get shitty at you for ever turning your phone off - they want a direct link to you at all times so you can receive their telecommunicock in your mouth whenever they want to shove it in your direction.

It amounts to a tethering. We're never alone because that fucking phone can ring at any second, and if you don't answer it you're going to have to wade through hours of irate messages. Because you're on a leash, people don't care if they're rude. They'll send you SMSes cancelling appointments or breaking up with you or just plain hassling you. People will call you in the middle of the night. Your normality will be enforced, not by any kind of government hivelord or blueshirt wardog, but by the grinding expectations of hundreds of people who are intent that you be ready to receive and act on their calls at the hours they think are convenient. If you don't your little buzzing convenience turns into a momentous hassle, the more so because these creeps can yell at you over it if you displease them.

My 7 step plan for dealing with mobile phones is simple.

1. Stop answering calls from people you don't want to talk to. Put the fucking phone on silent when you might need it, and turn it off otherwise. If people ask you why you're not answering your phone just tell them it's broken and see step 2.

2. Get an answering machine. Put it on your home phone. Give this number out to people who want to call you. Turn off that fucking message bank on your home phone, it's a pain in the arse. You can use answering machines to screen calls, which is much more fun.

3. Record a message on your mobile saying only to leave a message if it's terribly important. People might think this is rude in this day and age, but fuck 'em. It costs you time and money to listen to their bullshit, and the message bank is their main way to get off the hook if they have to contact you. Leaving a slimy message on a mobile phone that you have to pay to receive is their way of "putting the ball in your court" - if you don't pay to listen to the message and pay to call them back at a time convenient to them, it's your fault. They can go to hell. You might want to explain to your friends what important entails - calling you with drink orders if you're on the way to a bar to get a round is extremely important, for instance. So are instructions on how to find your friends and other trivial crap like that. HAVING A GOOD TIME IS HORRENDOUSLY IMPORTANT IT LOWERS YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE AND AS I DOKTOR I KNOW THESE THINGS.

4. Tell your friends and family that you're only using the mobile for emergency and good time purposes (see important health message above), and if they've got anything important to say that can wait a couple hours to just leave a message on your answering machine at home or call you when you're there.

5. Only give out your mobile number to good friends, family and cute girls. Everyone else can call at home. Since giving out home numbers is a bit of a novelty now days, you might impress cute girls by giving them that instead. DON'T GIVE THE NUMBER TO A BOSS AND DON'T EVEN TAKE THE FUCKING THING TO WORK OR YOU WILL BE FUCKED AND ALL THIS WILL BE FOR NOTHING.

6. Don't answer the mobile phone while you're at home under any circumstances, ever.

7. Congratulations, you're now off the electric tether.

OPTIONAL: For extra security, get a prepaid mobile instead and change the sim card every couple of years. You should only have a few people to notify when you do this. Use a spiffy notebook for phone numbers rather than a phone. When you find a mobile phone on the street, smash it instead of giving it back. You'll be doing the owner a favour.

TO BE CONTINUED- by anyone