Door to door
This morning I was woken by the sound of my brother chatting with a woman at the front door. I got up to see what it was about and saw my brother accepting what looked like pamphlets from someone selling their religious beliefs door to door. It turned out to be “the Watchtower; Announcing Jehovah’s Kingdom” and “Awake!”. I was tempted to immediately burn all three copies but I noticed the headlines they gave and thought reading them would be a laugh.
The articles gave me “laugh out loud” satisfaction. Such as an article entitled “Why do we grow old?” which goes on to state ageing is not a natural state of man, but created through man's lack of faith in (and by extension lack of financial contribution to) their God. Also good for a laugh; “Sponges, simple yet spectacular” which claims that people could not have descended from sea sponges, obviously under the mistaken impression that anyone ever said that we were, mistaking the Parazoa taxon for our Metazoa taxonomical group. Some of the non-science articles to make you laugh were “Who will help the poor?” which claimed that everyone becoming Christian and giving money to Christian charities would overcome the significant complexities of third world economic development, or “Learning why God permits suffering” – the answer: He doesn’t like non-Christians (Although the large and underprivileged christian populations of Latin America, Africa and more recently Asia may have something to say about that)
Content of the articles aside, their lack of basic scientific understanding when explaining scientific advances, their oversimplification of world events and their insistence at waking people up at all hours of the morning transcends annoyance, these people need to be stopped. But how?
Here are some easy ways to get rid of pesky door to door belief peddlers:
• Make a statement about your beliefs with an inverted crucifix in your front yard. For Saturday mornings when you’re nursing a hangover and the belief peddlers are peddling in force I suggest dowsing the crucifix in kerosene and wrapping it in towels before lighting it, this bold statement will scare the most hardened of belief pushers
• One that is a little less likely to scare your neighbours would be the placement of a pentagram on your front door, though this will only be effective if you’re ready to scream at them as soon as they open the door – doesn’t matter what you scream, just scream.
• To get blacklisted by them so they know not to come to your house again tell them that you were once a Christian but you were ploughed by a priest when you were 8 and now lead an anti-organised religion terrorist cell
• When all else fails I find violence is the most effective solution. Perhaps the most poignant method is beating them to death with a copy of Origins of Species. I find it most effective to clamp the book shut with rope and attach it to a chain, which is in turn attached to a handle; thus you have your own literary mace with which to hospitalise doorknockers.
• Also a favourite of mine with Jehovah’s witnesses is to immediately slash an artery of one of the doorknockers then offer to drive them to hospital for a transfusion if they want to live.
• Tell them you are already devoutly religious, and you don’t want to sacrifice yet another child to the socialist god Joseph Stalin because you allowed yourself to come under the moral influence of the great Satan
• Tell them that you’d love to hear what they have to say but you have to turn the oven off, then slam the door in their face and not come back – works for telemarketers, they’re trained not to hang up no matter what, try it!
This should help you get rid of those pesky critters. Incidentally if you’re an innovative young law student who can tell me how to get off attempted murder charges then please e-mail me at DONTBOTHERME@HOME.FUCKER
